The Empty loneliness I am feeling

Here I sit at 3:00 in the morning and yet again i can't sleep.  I get so lonely and frustrated at times with my relationship status.  I get tired of the  wishing for someone to be close to me.  I get tired of my preference for  soft romantic music that doesn't help the feelings that I am feeling right now. I get tired of  wishing I could find that man who will  be able to be the most important things I am wishing for in a relationship.  I am sitting here listening to Raheem Devaughn, Musiq Soulchild, India Arie and all those smooth soul types and I am realizing how much music can affect a mood.  Is it too much to ask for a guy that is honest, caring. responsible?

I decided to  keep my body to myself and that is one of the hardest things I have had to do.  Feeling a warm body and arms wrapped around my waist is a feeling I want to feel so bad right now.  I really don't know what to do.

Secret Crush on Big Women

I am a person who is an avid you tube video watcher.  a person can find information on just about any subject, any music video, any view point or pictures of any kind of people you want on there.  I do a lot of research secretly there for classes because all I have to do is type in a subject and a plethora of videos pertaining to that subject pop up.  One thing I am interested in on a personal note because I am a big girl is are there a lot of people attracted to women and who those people are.

Well needless to say there are many videos of big women on there of all sizes, shapes and backgrounds on there doing any and everything short of showing their genitals and nipples.  So  After finding many of the videos i scrolled down the comment list and  picked a few random comments from people who seemed to be big girl admires.  I found that most of those people were anonymous.  I found about 8 out of the 10 horny comments were from people who had no pictures on their pages and no real information about themselves. I was not really surprised because I have found on sites that cater to people who like bbw's and ssbbw many of the most vocal and vulgar men complimenting women are the nameless faceless void.

If you go to any videos that say anything about bbw, large stomach,  huge ass, ssbbw, fat or any other thing you want to find on a big woman you will find many of those videos have  100's of thousands of views and many compliments and  appreciation of  seeing a big cottage cheesy stomach or jiggly thighs or any other part.

The problem I feel is not that we cannot get men but the fat lovers are in the closet just as people who are afraid of what people will think if they let people know they are gay.  Many people are afraid to reveal their inner desires and wants because of the stigma attached to it.  They are worried about the looks and snickers and disapproving  comments.  People are worried about people questioning their judgment and  treating them differently because of their attraction to someone who is not considered by main stream as attractive or the perfect person.

So many people don't allow themselves to do what they want because they are worried about another person's perception of what they should be doing.  That is such a big mistake because one day they will wake up bitter and angry because to late they realized that they should have lived for themselves instead of someone else perception of what they should be doing.

Forget History

These kids out here don’t know their history

Forget about those who struggled for their freedom

Rapping about things and they don’t know the reason

Talking about you don’t care about history

Do you remember the time when our people wore potato sacks?

Now you feel unworthy if your belt and shoes don’t match?

Could they be standing there if  the Harriet Tubmans hadn’t paved the way?

Risking life and limbs to free our people

Just 50 years ago we were not created equal

I listen to this idiocy about not caring about history

I scratch my head and wonder at the mystery of

Forgetting the past and the reason they can rap in that microphone and diss history’s ass

Scratching my head.

These kids out here say they don’t want to read

In between the lines is where we read  to find the conspiracy worked

Of how they kept black people subservient for decades and for centuries

How can you say the man has kept us down when you haven’t read how he did?

That attitude of complacency and ignorance well I can tell you that’s about it!

Not knowing and growing and thinking for ourselves. 

Puppets on a string pulled by the master. 

Knowledge was and is the power when we learned tradition changed during the hours

When one black man learned better and he taught another better too.

Before you say you don’t care about history

Think about what you saying are you talking nonsense or are you using your brain?

And moving forward to making the struggles  and the dreams of  Martin Luther King worth it

The Real Deal On Haters

No matter what you do, how good you are, how you help people or even  if you just stay to yourself it is a pretty good chance there is someone out there talking about you and trying to put you in a bad light.  People may wonder why and what is the purpose of this.  To me it's simple haters fit their name in their actions and personality.  Why would anyone who felt so great about themselves and their lives waste time and effort to make you feel bad?  Why would a person who is secure in themselves and their place in the world call you ignorant names, derogatory words and make a big deal out of some small mistake?  Is mispronouncing a word so bad that it causes your ears to bleed?  Is believing a certain way that you don't a cause for outrage and disrespectful behavior?  What is the real point of sending hate messages like your a fat pig you disgust me make you feel better about yourself?

 Well if it does you must be pretty darn miserable to get joy from the tearing down of others self-esteem and self worth.  I have too much going on in my life to stop doing what i am doing and spend time spewing hate or malice toward other people.  If someone does something I don't agree with I shrug my shoulders and keep it moving.  I feel to good about myself and myself worth to waste time trying to cut someone down.  If you find a person that constantly does that its a sign that everything isn't as great as they are making it out to be.  Have sympathy for them and pray for them because they need something in their lives to make them feel complete.

A Man of Value

Men say they want a woman of value

But as soon as you say you not given it up they stop calling you

I am a lady of quality and I am past that

I am not being treated like a stray cat

Going from place to place to get fed

I depend on Jesus for my daily bread

Jumpin from one bed to another,  I did that

When I didn’t know my worth.

But I won’t sell myself short for a man of no worth

You know the kind, looking for a woman to be the one to provide

He has no goals or aspirations, spreading his seed over many nations

He has no belief in nothing else and sells drugs to get wealth.

Collect call caller checking me!  Naw Dawg Jesus Handles me!

Walking down the street with his pants sagging

Just in search of another bad habit,

Looking for a hoe to screw with every erection

Going in them raw with no discretion

No no no that’s not me

And that’s not a man I want to see!

I want a man with manners and class

But he won’t be a sucker, he can still kick ass!

With his words, and his strength of character.

He not intimidated that his lady got brain matter.

He won’t need to sleep around cause he know no matter what

His lady is holding it down.  Yes he got that grown man swagger.

And how many times he can cheat is not even on his platter.

Responsibility and provider is in his jeans genes if you know what that means.

He don’t need 10lb’s of bling bling to show he is a king

One look in his eyes shows he is the real thing.

He doesn’t need to curse every word to express himself

His vocabulary will skin the pelt from anyone who questions him

I am not his bitch unless I wanna be. 

And that only certain situations  when I’m feeling him and he feeling me.

Wink.

Then this poem goes out to you.

Where ever you are I say thank you. 

For never compromising your family and if  the one you with don’t appreciate

Believe me,  I feel that I can be that.

Im not, looking for a dawg chasing every cat!

Where are you daddy Perspective on Kat Stacks

If anyone is following or has followed the Kat Stacks videos or fiasco, I see it a bit differently that the main stream public.  Ever since I heard about her and the hoopla going on around her actions I began to research the videos and try to find out who she is.  I really have empathy for this young misguided young woman.    The only reason why a person is like this is because something is very lacking in her life somewhere.  Look at the things she is saying and how very defensive she is in her video’s where she is giving out those rappers information.   Her body is held tightly and her stance says hurt and defensive.  When she talks it apparent she did not think or was not made to value education.  She doesn’t seem to have a father figure and her mother sounded just as ignorant as she does.    This girl needs something that she thought those rappers could provide.  It is know that Kat Stacks is not making it off her brains but used what she is apparently believing would get her all the things she was lacking in life by sleeping around.   For all the things she has done and thought to be proud of are the things that she had to depend on to get to a better situation in life.

Just like most people they are trying to search for that something they feel will make them complete.  She needs someone who cares what she does and is there for her.  Apparently she never had that or she would not have done those things.   She needs some self respect and she needs to know that her body is not the only way to get there.  

She was living in a fantasy world she created to become rich and famous and did not realize she will be forgotten and already is being for gotten.  I won’t remember  Kat Stacks for the  fiasco or the stupidity and  indiscretions she  has done all in the  search of fame and a better life.  What happens to a wild animal when its backed against a corner?  It starts fighting back with its instinct.   She only did what she figured she can do  to get out of the situation.  Her first instinct was to get with the first money train she could find until one worked.  When you have been starved and set before a buffet the first thing you do is want to eat and go for some of the  treasure chest that is in front of you.  That’s what she did.  I don’t like to say pity but I really do because she could have went a different route in her life and for her children if she only knew better.  Even her name lets you know her way of thinking  Kat Stacks  a name that she felt was going to be her claim to fame.  Kat as in  woman’s vagina and  Stacks as if  she felt her vagina was her claim to fame and fortune.  I many times read between the lines of actions instead of looking at only the actions I look for the reasons behind it.  I pray that one day really know what she needs.